Changing How You Ask This One Question Will Make You Happier
Don't you hate it when literally the first question you get asked when meeting someone new (besides "what's your name?") is "What do you do?"
It makes me want to shove a sharp pencil in my eye and swirl it around.
Right, maybe I wouldn't go that far, but seriously, why is that the first question we ask and get asked when we meet someone new?Whether it's at a party, a networking event, at the gym, the first thing people seem to want to know is what your job title is.
It seems like a logical question when you first meet someone since so much of a person's life is consumed by their day job. But what's really the point of this question? It definitely doesn't lead to life-altering conversations and, not surprisingly, it probably causes a lot of internal anxiety for both parties.
The guys over at Minimalist.com put it well:
"Sadly, what we’re actually asking when we posit this malefic question, albeit unknowingly, is: How do you earn a paycheck? How much money do you make? What is your socioeconomic status? And based on that status, where do I fall on the socioeconomic ladder compared to you? Am I a rung above you? Below you? How should I judge you? Are you worth my time?"
We may not be thinking these things when we ask this question but society has engrained in us an almost innate need to compare ourselves to others and, unknowingly, many of us immediately start comparing when we hear a job title, even if it's subconsciously.
Comparison is something everybody deals with. We've pretty much been raised to measure ourselves against others and it's detrimental to our mental health and to our happiness. It's something I am constantly trying to retrain myself not to do. Comparison eats away at the soul.
Or as Mark Twain simply said:
"Comparison is the death of joy."
So let's stop asking this question, it's making all of us anxious and depressed! Besides, most people I talk to these days don't seem to have a good answer for it anyway. They sort of stumble or give a really robotic, canned answer, myself included, because we all know we are so much more than our job title.
When people ask me this question I feel like I'm forced to tell them "I work in PR & Marketing" or "I'm a publicist" but, god, how awful does that sound? How boring? If I want to make the person turn and walk away that's what I should continue saying.
But I would much rather say something like "I'm a California girl, born and raised. I love boxing and tennis, trying to do yoga, practicing mindfulness and meditation, curious about psychology and how the mind works, meeting new people, hanging out with friends, reading and helping people grow. I run a blog and am learning a new photography hobby. Can I take your picture?"
For starters, wouldn't that instantly create so much more to talk about with this new person? Right away, there are so many conversation starters that they'd have to be completely socially inept not to have multiple follow up questions.
And two, it makes me seem so much more interesting! But it feels a little awkward saying that when someone is expecting a simple job title answer.
So, I want to reword this question a bit and I want everyone around the world to start using this question instead. That's a lofty goal, but hey, worth a shot.
When you meet someone new, before they can ask you "What do you do?" ask them "So, what's your story?"
Here's why this works:
You will sound instantly cooler (bonus points if you can lean up against something, cross your leg and raise an eyebrow when you ask it). You'll come off as unique since I doubt they've ever been asked that before and they'll immediately be more into the conversation and getting to know you too.
This question shows you are genuinely interested in getting to know the other person as a person. When you make someone feel that way it's like a shortcut to getting them to like you. "What do you do?" makes people feel like you just want to know what they do for a living in case it can help you out in some way. Let's make people feel like human beings with interests and hobbies, not like robots with a job to do.
This question is open ended and it leaves so much more up to the other person to decide how creative they want to get with their answer. They don't feel forced into giving their job title and it'll encourage them to divulge more information about their personality than the alternative old-school question.
You'll have much more to talk about after you hear their answer since they'll probably be inclined to include things like where they grew up, their interests, where they're living, etc... Follow up questions to "What do you do?" are often "Oh, cool, so do you like it?" or "Oh, so what do you actually do, you know like, day to day?" Borrrinnnggg. Those people are on a fast track to a shallow conversation that they'll leave not remembering the person's name OR their job title.
Lastly, it will end the comparisons! We don't compare stories the same way we compare job titles because we know that every story is unique and different. We can listen to a person's story without subconsciously comparing ourselves to it. Bam, we can create a happier world just by changing this one question.
If you ask someone this question and instead of diving into their Academy Award winning life story they scratch their head, stare at you blankly, and/or repeat the question with a confused look on their face, just say "You know, who is [insert their name]?" They should get it by then.
I know asking this question might feel a little awkward at first but everyone has a story and I don't know about you, but I am much more interested in a person's whole story than just their job title. Sure, their job may be a huge part of their identity and something they're passionate about, and if it is, congrats to them! That's super awesome but I think pretty rare.
For many people their job is just a means to an end.
For some it's just how they earn money and afford to do the things they actually enjoy like traveling.
And for others their job might be a way to pay rent but leaves them enough spare time to explore their other hobbies.
Let's make people feel like people and spread more happiness around by simply changing how we ask this one question "What do you do?".
Action Item
I challenge you to ask the next person you meet "So, what's your story?".
Take a moment after the conversation to reflect on how the conversation went and how you felt afterwards. Did you learn more than you normally would when you meet someone new? Was the conversation more interesting, more engaging? How do you think they felt?
Let me know if you start using this question and how it works out for you in the comments!
Xx,
Ali
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