How to Know If You Love Yourself: My Self-Love Journey
Raise your hand if you’ve heard the advice “you just gotta love yourself” when you’re going through a tough time or facing mental health challenges and just thought to yourself “WTF does that even mean?”
My hand is raised.
And I finally found the answers, friends!! heheh.
For me, self-love now means accepting and welcoming every version and part of myself. Here’s how I came to this conclusion and how it’s changed my life and business for the better.
See, I have a problem with the self-love industry. I feel like it’s been made into something it isn’t…
Toxic positivity, self-judgment for the sake of “improvement,” bath-bombs and affirmations, massages, setting boundaries and saying “No.”
This confusion leads many to question if they truly love themselves. People often experience CONDITIONAL self-love, where they feel like they love themselves but sense that something is still missing. They often feel the need for more, not feeling quite good enough, and constantly trying to fix, improve, or 'heal' parts of themselves.
Amid the confusion, in a world where self-improvement often feels like an endless pursuit, the question "How to know if you love yourself?" becomes crucial.
True self-love isn't about perfection or constantly striving to be better; it's about embracing and accepting all parts of yourself, even the ones that feel uncomfortable or unworthy. In this post, I want to share my journey toward self-belonging and wholeness, and offer insights into what true, unconditional self-love feels like and how to begin cultivating it in your own life.
We'll explore what self-love truly means, the challenges of conditional self-love, and I'll share practical steps to nurture a loving relationship with yourself, helping you experience a sense of self-belonging and wholeness.
What is Unconditional Self-Love and Why is it Important?
As I dive deeper into the concept of self-love with you, I want to make sure I differentiate between conditional and unconditional self-love.Unconditional self-love is the practice of accepting and loving yourself without conditions. Unlike conditional self-love, which is dependent on external achievements, appearances, or validations, unconditional self-love means embracing all aspects of yourself, even the parts you find undesirable, unworthy or even “bad.” It’s about recognizing your inherent worth and loveability, regardless of your flaws, imperfections or mistakes.
I have training in Somatic Parts Therapy and IFS (Internal Family Systems) and one of the aspects I love so much about this work is how we come to know, accept, and love the different parts of ourselves.
Learning these principles has helped me SO much in this journey to loving myself unconditionally and I’ve seen the impact it’s made on my clients as well.
To share a quick example, through exploring my own parts of myself I realized that there was always one part of me that was so hard on myself, so critical, and honestly, just really mean.
It was a hard part of me to face. I thought there was something wrong with having this part exist…I thought it was something I needed to “fix” or “remove.”
By exploring all parts of myself with empathy, I found that this critical part of me is actually a 'protector.' It tries to keep me feeling valuable and safe by impressing others and seeking that external validation, shielding the part of me that feels inadequate.
Have you ever felt like your own sense of self worth was tied up in external validation and acceptance from others? That’s what I was experiencing.
Each of our parts, even the ones we deem “bad” or “mean” or unworthy, serves a positive intention or purpose. And if we can remain curious and open to what those intentions are, we can bring more compassion and acceptance to these parts of ourselves.
And that’s ALL they want. Is to feel heard, validated, accepted and loved.
When we do this, it brings us so much peace, and these parts of us can sort of take a back seat to our True Self, instead of “driving our vehicle” as I like to think of it.
Until we can practice unconditional self-love with all parts of ourselves, these parts that we DON’T want running our lives will continue to run our lives!
Think about when a child is upset and isn’t being listened to. They usually get louder and throw a temper tantrum, right?
But when you pause, ask the child to share, get down on their level, listen with compassion and understanding, and you validate what they’re sharing, they get quieter and calm down.
It’s the same with these parts of us. They’re serving a positive purpose for us, but because we usually tend to ignore them, push them away, or feel annoyed by them, they just get louder and louder, dictating our behaviors and moods more and more.
So to me, a practical way of thinking about how to love yourself unconditionally is this: instead of fighting with or ignoring these different aspects of yourself, lean into them with curiosity, compassion and acceptance.
You can even have a conversation with them. I like to think about it as letting all parts of you “have a seat at the table” to talk. Let them know they belong here too and they’re valid, and that you even appreciate what they’re trying to do for you, even if it’s not working as intended.
Let them be heard, listen, validate and acknowledge what they’re trying to do FOR you.
This may sound a bit funny. It may even remind you of the movie “Split” where the main character, Kevin, has multiple personalities and his therapist delicately attempts to talk and communicate with each of those personalities.
So I get that it can sound a little scary even! But the reality is…we ALL do have these different sides, personalities, and aspects of ourselves, they’re just not as blown apart and amplified as they are in people with personality disorders.
Here’s a funny cartoon by Jim Benton that I feel like captures the essence of IFS with humor!
I love this distinction of IFS and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) from MentalHealthToday.Co.UK:
Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, and founder of the IFS Institute, describes IFS on the Institute website in a recording of a talk he conducted on the therapy:
“We think people have parts, and parts are sub personalities, and in distinction to a lot of other systems we believe we’re born with them. It’s in the nature of the mind to be sub-divided. We’re all actually multiple personalities, and people who carry that diagnosis aren’t any different to us, except that theirs got blown apart more, from the horrific trauma they suffered.”
This is an important distinction to make, IFS, although insightful, powerful and hugely therapeutic, when misunderstood, can lead people to misinterpret the ‘Parts’ of IFS as the distinct personalities of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).
As Dr. Schwartz says in his video, we have more in common with those who have DID than we might think, however the personalities, parts or ‘alters’ that are central to DID, differ in a few crucial ways:
they are often totally autonomous, with different names, appearances and views
amnesic barriers are often present between the parts or alters, so one alter might remember something another can’t
the central ‘self’ that is referred to in IFS has a similar counterpart in DID, what many call the ‘host’ or ‘host self’ – this means the alter that is ‘out’ and present the most, however the host might not have access to all alters and can still be affected by those amnesic barriers.
Signs You Don't Love Yourself Unconditionally
The first step towards cultivating unconditional self-love is recognizing its absence. I recently realized that it had been “easy” to love myself for many years because everything was going SO well in my life! My business was thriving, I had a wonderful relationship and got married, I had good friends and time spent with family, retirement savings, fun trips around the world… life was SO good.
But when my business started facing some massive challenges and pivots, I noticed the immense pressure I was putting on myself and how my inner critic became overwhelmingly strong.
That's when I realized my self-love was conditional.
Here are some signs you might not be loving yourself unconditionally:
Constant Self-Criticism: If you're frequently harsh on yourself and have a critical inner voice, it may indicate a lack of unconditional self-love.
Seeking Validation: Relying heavily on others' approval and validation can be a sign that you're not fully accepting yourself.
Fear of Failure/Perfectionism: A paralyzing fear of failure or making mistakes often stems from a conditional self-love mindset, where self-worth and love is tied to success or outward appearances.
People-Pleasing: Prioritizing others' needs over your own and struggling to set boundaries are signs you’re getting your worth and love from others.
Low Self-Worth: If you struggle to see your own worth and often just feel unworthy of love and opportunities, it indicates a lack of self-love.
How to Know If You Love Yourself Unconditionally? Here Are The “Signs”!
When you embrace unconditional self-love, you might experience some of the following. This is based on my own personal experience ad the work I’ve done with my own clients:
Inner Peace: You experience a deep sense of calm and contentment, unshaken by external circumstances. I often have friends telling me they have no idea how I am so calm and happy during turbulent times - it’s because of unconditional self love! And I’m not perfect at it either, it’s a journey and a process I am still working on daily!
Resilience: Life's challenges become easier to navigate as you trust in your ability to handle them and view them as opportunities for growth rather than as problems.
Healthy Boundaries: You become more assertive and comfortable setting boundaries, protecting your energy and well-being.
Authentic Relationships: Unconditional self-love fosters deeper, more authentic connections with others, as you're not seeking validation or approval.
Empowerment: You feel empowered to pursue your passions and dreams without fear of judgment or failure or perfection holding you back.
Different Relationship with Yourself: You may not always be kind and compassionate with yourself 100% of the time (no one is perfect!) BUT you are able to pause and manage your inner critic easier, or you’re able to come back to a calm state more easily because you’ve caught yourself in the act of self-judgment or abandonment and you’ve self-corrected faster than before.
Related Podcast Episode: #207 How To Love Yourself (For REAL) & What It Actually Looks Like To Do It
My Journey to Unconditional Self-Love
Learning how to spot the signs of conditional love can lead to some pretty profound changes. Reflecting on my own journey, I've seen just how big of an impact this has had for me. But now I want to dive deeper into how I began to love myself unconditionally and expand upon what I’ve already shared.
The Illusion of Conditional Self-Love
For years, I believed I loved myself. I had a successful career, strong relationships, and a fulfilling life. But I began to realize that my self-love was conditional, aka based on external achievements and validations. I recognized that I wasn’t loving myself fully and unconditionally because when everything was going well, it was easy to love myself. But when things in my business began to change and get rocky, my inner critic, perfectionism, and controlling tendencies came out in full force…
That’s when I knew my self-love was actually quite fragile and dependent on my accomplishments and others' opinions of me. That was a painful realization but it set me on the path toward discovering what true, unconditional self-love means for me…and obviously I am so grateful for that.
For a while, I thought these inner critic, control-freak, and perfectionist parts of me needed to be “fixed” or “improved” but what I learned is that’s not true healing and self-love. True healing and wholeness comes from knowing these parts and developing a new relationship with them, letting them feel heard, validated and accepted.
Understanding The Intentions & “WHY” Behind Our Parts
What really helped me start to accept and love these parts of myself that I previously thought HAD TO GO was this.
Understanding how they formed and where they came from.
By remaining curious about WHY these parts of me existed in the first place, I was able to find more compassion for them. I understood their deeper positive intention! It wasn’t to make me feel bad or unlovable. It was actually to protect me and KEEP me feeling safe and loved.
Journaling, therapy, coaching and quiet contemplation/meditation and prayer were all tools that helped me uncover the roots and beginnings of all these parts. I’m not religious, but I do focus my prayer on seeking wisdom and support from Life, Source, Nature, and Spirit. Sometimes I call it “God” to make it easier, but often I just speak straight to Source.
The Concept of Divine Assignments in My Self-Love Journey
Something else that really helped me shift my perspective around these parts of me that I was previously ashamed of or that I thought needed fixing was the idea of “Divine Assignments” as my friend and coach, Nicole Amaturo calls them.
Instead of seeing these parts of me as “wrong” or something that needed to be fixed, I started to see them as divine assignments. Or lessons and experiences that our souls choose to encounter for growth and evolution in this lifetime.
This perspective helped me understand that these parts of me weren’t a “problem” but they were actually the PATH to my highest expression and self-love. I came to understand that these parts of me were MEANT to exist, meant to be here - to teach me and help me come home to myself.
Seeing ALL parts of me - the good, the bad, the ugly, the “shameful” - as Divine Assignments helped me approach them with curiosity and understanding, which then paved the way for a deeper relationship with myself, deeper self-love, and ultimately that wholeness and self-belonging we’re all looking for.
The Power of Acceptance In Loving Yourself
Honestly, the power of self-acceptance cannot be overstated when it comes to loving yourself unconditionally.
Think about how resistance or fear feels in your body. It’s most likely dense, contracted, dark energy. Now think about love and acceptance. It most likely feels light, bright, spacious, expansive…
When you meet darkness with light, it brightens. When you approach dense, contracted energy with spaciousness, it expands. This is why meeting parts of ourselves with love and acceptance softens our experience, and makes it easier to move through.
The energy of love and acceptance alchemizes that darker, dense energy, making it actually feel better.
I was working 1:1 with one of my clients around her deep anxiety around money in her business recently. For the longest time she kept avoiding this anxiety, pushing it away, ignoring it, trying to talk to it and tell it “it’s ok, you’re ok, it’s all going to be fine.” But none of this was working.
The anxiety kept coming back, and seemingly stronger each time. So instead, I invited her to try bringing validation and acceptance to her anxiety. Instead of trying to fix it or make it “better” I invited her to just get curious about why it was here, explore it’s deeper intention, and allow it space to be here too.
I shared with her: “Instead of trying to tell yourself ‘it’s ok, try validating how this part of you is feeling. Let it know you understand WHY it’s feeling scared and anxious. Get on it’s level and find understanding and then acknowledgment.’”
When we met 2 weeks later she said SO much shifted for her when she started validating and bringing acceptance to the anxiety, instead of trying to soothe it and make it go away. For the first time, she actually said it DID go away and she was able to go on with her day with more peace and ease.
When we approach ourselves with love and compassion, we create a space for healing and growth. This doesn't mean ignoring our triggers, faults, and patterns or pretending they don't exist. Instead, it's about acknowledging them with kindness and understanding, and recognizing that they are part of our human experience, and part of our evolution.
7 Practical Steps to Cultivate Unconditional Self-Love
Ok, because we ALL love to do lists, I wanted to share a few tips and activities that I have found really supportive on my journey and exploration in learning how to love myself unconditionally.
Journaling: Journaling is a powerful tool for self-reflection. It allows you to explore your thoughts and emotions, identify patterns, and gain insights into your subconscious mind. Start with a prompt like "What parts of me do I try to resist, avoid, fix, or hide?” I
I've included five powerful reflection and journaling prompts in my Self-Love + Wholeness Healing Bundle (click on the image below) to help you cultivate self-love and a deep sense of self-belonging
Neutral or Positive Affirmations: Affirmations are a great way to challenge negative self-talk or just find more peace during challenging experiences. Even if positive affirmations don’t feel accessible, neutrality is still far better than negativity. Some of my favorites are “I am willing to feel this.” or “I am willing to be here with this discomfort," or “Even if I’m feeling this/thinking this, I still love you” or “I understand and accept you, thank you for being here and sharing with me.”
1. Mindfulness and Meditation: Mindfulness and meditation practices can help you stay present and connected to yourself. They encourage self-awareness and self-acceptance. Try guided meditations focused on self-love or simply spend a few minutes each day in silent meditation, observing your thoughts and emotions without judgment. I find that carving out time, even if it’s just 10 minutes at some point in the day to spend time in silence is where ALL my insights tend to come from. It’s where I start to find connections and patterns, where I find compassion for the parts of me that exist, and where I learn more about the root of some of my patterns and parts.
2. Brain Spotting: This therapy technique involves focusing on specific points in your visual field to access unprocessed trauma or memories. Brainspotting leverages the brain's natural ability to heal itself, allowing you to release deeply rooted emotional pain without having to analyze it consciously. It's a powerful tool for healing and self-discovery, helping you uncover and release old wounds and memories. If you know you have deep unresolved trauma - please get supported by a licensed therapist!
If you’d like to experience a brain spotting session on your own with my guidance, I actually recorded a guided experience for my clients inside my membership, The Alignment Collective, but you can also purchase it here inside my Self-Love + Wholeness Healing Bundle!
3. Self-Care: I love intentionally setting up regular self-care activities to feel more loved up on, especially AS I am doing the deep inner work to support and love myself. As I am learning how to love myself, I often find I get more tired when working through a lot of my own growth. Supporting myself with baths, yummy snacks, retreats or time with loved ones are ways I fill myself up and participate in self-care.
4. Seek Support: It's okay to seek support on your journey to self-love. Whether through therapy, coaching, or support groups, having someone to guide and encourage you is incredibly beneficial. Surround yourself with positive influences and people who uplift you. I love working with both my coach and therapist to help me uncover even more about myself and go into the depths of my being to grow and love myself even more. Without this support, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
5. Practice Gratitude: Gratitude is a powerful practice that shifts your focus from what's lacking to what's abundant in your life. Keep a gratitude journal and write down things you're grateful for, including qualities you appreciate about yourself. This practice has immensely helped me to develop a more positive mindset and reinforce consciously ALLLL the reasons to love myself even more on a logical, “factual” level.
So how DO you know if you love yourself unconditionally?
The journey to unconditional self-love really isn’t a linear path and I also don’t think it’s a “destination” that you reach and all of a sudden “know” you love yourself. Instead I thin it’s more of a continuous process of growth and self-discovery. A process of softening and noticing where you might be treating yourself more kindly or not putting so much pressure on yourself.
Where I’ve noticed the most growth on my own personal journey has been in my money mindset and my fear of failure. I am able to be braver and take bigger risks without feeling the deep fear of failure anymore - I have this inner trust and confidence that I will be OK no matter what. Even if things do “fail.”
I notice my fears around money, and the shame I was feeling around making less in my business this year than I did last year have sort of dissipated.
Things just feel easier, less scary, more peaceful. I have more of a kind and loving approach to my own inner dialogue - both consciously and I am sure subconsciously too.
I can’t say enough about this work and learning to love ALL parts of yourself. That is truly what self-love means.
It doesn’t mean toxic positivity, trying to just tell yourself “it’s ok, there’s nothing to be afraid of!”
Instead it’s “I hear you, I understand why you’re scared. That makes so much sense. Your feelings are valid and I am here no matter what. I want to listen and understand and you are welcome here no matter how you feel.”
Loving yourself fully is about embracing all aspects of yourself, including the parts that are difficult to accept. It's about understanding that your worth is inherent and not tied to external achievements or validations.
As you go off and explore how to love yourself unconditionally, remember that this is a PRACTICE. It's something you cultivate daily through intentional actions and choices. Be patient with yourself, embrace the journey, and know that you are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are.
In exploring this question "how to know if you love yourself," I hope you can find a little more softness, a little more compassion, and a little more ease with what I’ve shared!
If you want to dive deeper into this work - I invite you to check out my Self-Love + Wholeness Healing Bundle! I share more about my story and I also provide a few guided audio tracks and healing tools that have helped me the most!
